


Love will find a way to overcome all your pain

by jamesisnotonheaven



Series: The Last of Us: into Didi's-verse [3]
Category: The Last of Us
Genre: Beginning is the game cut-scene, F/F, May 2039, Not Beta Read, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Time Loop, the Farm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:49:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25672357
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamesisnotonheaven/pseuds/jamesisnotonheaven
Summary: Tommy comes to tell Ellie about Abby and she leaves.He comes every day, and Ellie keeps leaving.Until one day she doesn't.ORDina is trapped in a time loop, forced to re-live the day Tommy came by and Ellie left.
Relationships: Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)
Series: The Last of Us: into Didi's-verse [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1866550
Comments: 7
Kudos: 135





	1. Prologue

Ellie put Joel's watch under her clothes in the drawer before going to the crib.

The baby had short, jet-black hair, and his skin was a little darker than hers, as if he had already spent some time in the sun. Seeing him made her smile, even though the pain of the memories the watch brought her were still in the back of her mind.

"Hey, buddy. What's wrong?" he whined and she picked him up "I've got you, it's okay"

Her voice was soft, reserved for her family and she slowly cooed him.

"We're good"

He seemed to calm a bit, putting him thumb in his mouth, and then trying to bite at his other fingers. 

The sun was starting to set in the horizon, the sky painted in a soft yellow mixed with the strong blues of the summer. Ellie could hear through the open window the chimes downstairs, clinging against each other in the breeze. It felt almost... peaceful.

She took him to the bathroom, where they had a mirror behind the sink.

"Who's that handsome fella, huh?" her voice was low and carried a smile on it. J.J. laughed then, clapping his little hands, and she took him to the room beside it, a part of her looking for Dina, the other just fooling around with him.

It was her small study. It was full of paintings and drawings of Dina and J.J. Just a bunch of portraits of both of them, sometimes together, sometimes each in a different piece of paper or canvas. Ellie had also drawn The Farm, with golden grass and faded blue sky behind the white farmhouse, and it stood glued right above her desk, so she could always see it while she worked.

She showed him an old poster that used to be in her room in Jackson; it was from a band, and it said "Thoughts Twenty" in capital letters with two guys with crazy green hair standing with guitars. J.J. laughed.

"Hey, you like these guys, huh? They got some crazy hair" he clapped again. "You know, maybe we should try that one day. What do you think Mom is gonna say?"

A little bubble formed in his mouth before he smiled and a little hand held on her shoulder. She descended the stairs, the thought of her and J.J. with green, spiked hair still in her mind making her smile.

The front door was open, and the breeze tried to cool the house a bit from the heat of the day.

She walked with the baby to his playroom, picking a framed picture. It had Dina and an older girl similar to her on it, though she wore glasses and her hair braided.

"Say hello to your Autie Talia... 'Hi Auntie Talia'" she mimicked, pulling it closer so he could see them better. He giggled in her arms and she put the picture down. "Yes, I also think Mom looks really pretty on that one"

She took him to the bathroom next, making him face the mirror again.

"Baaah" she babbled, scrunching her face to him. He laughed, and then pulled her hair. "Man, tough crowd," Ellie murmured after he disentangled his baby fingers from it.

She walked back to the front of the house, the afternoon sun giving everything a subtle glow. The sofas, the dining table and the old record player in the corner, everything was bathed in it.

"Dina?" she called, to be sure she didn’t need to leave the house.

"I'm in the kitchen!" she yelled back, "Oh, what's up, you little goobers?"

"Hey. Thanks for doing the dishes" 

"You can thank me by putting on some music", and Ellie thought about how her voice always seemed to carry a smile on it, or at least the undertones of teasing.

"Heh, I'll see what I can do"

She walked to the old record player, changing J.J. from one arm to the other. Man, this baby was getting heavier each passing day. Soon he would weight more than a sack of potatoes.

"How about some tunes?" Ellie asked him as she squatted and picked the old record that was lying beside it. "Oh, you wanna boogie, huh?" 

_"Crooked smile"_ it read, and she twisted the lever at the side before putting the needle in and swinging with him. 

"All right"

As soon as the first banjo notes rang in the air, Dina let out a happy yell.

"Oh fuck yeah! I love this song."

"Your mom is very easy to please" she said into J.J.'s hair, low as if she was telling him a secret, but loud enough that Dina would hear it too.

"I'm with you, my bar is very low" she teased back, never stopping with the dishes.

Ellie smiled behind the woman and put her hand on her hips, making Dina swing with her. 

They laughed and Ellie kissed her shoulder.

"Ooh" Look at those moves" Dina turned her face to look at her, a smile on her lips.

"These moves?" she slipped away, holding J.J. so they were both looking at Dina.

"Yeah." 

She turned, her wet hands leaving drops on the floor and she looked at Ellie's attempt at dancing.

"Ooh, look at Mama go!" Dina’s voice was light, but the way her dark eyes scanned Ellie's body up and down was not "Oh, wow"

She moved in a circle, herself dancing a bit like a chicken in kitchen, and Ellie spared a glance at J.J., enough to see him smiling his almost toothless smile at Dina, laughing at them.

Ellie's eyes didn't leave Dina's after that, and the small naughty smile across her lips very much mirrored the one on Dina's mouth.

"Ooh, oh hello" her voice was low as she put her hand on Dina's hips again, her hand on Ellie's arm as they both laughed, slowly circling together in a dance of theirs, slowly getting closer and closer.

Ellie liked how this maroon blouse looked on Dina. How it was up to her elbows and the way her dark hair fell around it. She liked how Dina was looking at her too, eyes kinda low and a lopsided smile on her lips.

"This is kinda working on me" Dina said, and Ellie could hear Dina's smile on her voice and she was sure Dina could her it on hers too.

"You're weird" 

She still dipped her head, though, peppering kisses on Dina's neck.

"I'm aware" Dina'a hand moved up to her shoulders, pulling her in for a moment.

"Okay! You're distracting me" she was still laughing, even though now it seemed to carry a bit of desire and she took a step back.

Ellie laughed at that, stepping closer again, lifting her head enough just so she could look in Dina's brown eyes, see her face, but she had hers closed in the smile.

"I know!" the smile on her lips almost made it too difficult for her to keep leaving kisses on Dina's neck. Almost.

It seemed to take Dina a certain amount of willpower to slide her hand from Ellie's shoulder blade to her stomach and gently push her away.

"Okay, all right. Go"

"Okay..." Ellie lifted her free hand in truce, still smiling and Dina spared her one last smirk before turning back to the dishes. 

"Oh hey... I think I left Ollie outside. You mind bringing him back in?"

"Yeah, sure thing"

She walked back to the living room and pushed the door with her shoulder.

"Do you want some fresh air?" she asked J.J., but he only gurgled as they stepped on the porch. Ellie walked with J.J. in her arms to the tractor in front of the house, and there it was, the tiny blue elephant. She remembered picking him up from a small mall-like building in the northeast route they patrolled. 

"Hey, Ollie. What are you doin' out here?" she held out the plush toy and J.J. made an excited sound in her ear, extending his little hands to it. "Hang on, buddy."

Ellie adjusted herself in the seat, and then the baby in her arms, sitting him on her lap, looking out to the scenery.

"Here we go. It's pretty, right?"

It was breathtaking. The sun was almost gone now, and they seemed to stand exactly at that breaking point when the sky was bright and yellow behind the mountains but there were long shadows being cast. The river below the mountains shined too, reflecting the colours of the sky and the shadows of the clouds above. She felt calm.

"Hey, you know what? I'm gonna teach you how to play guitar." she looked at his baby hands holding the plushie "When your hands are bigger. And you're not pooping your pants all the time."

He gurgled at her and her smile widened.

"It's all right. Everybody does it."

She looked at his face, still soft, clueless to the world he lives in, clueless to the hard truths of it. She could hear the crickets around them, the cicadas.

"Got a lot of stories to tell you. When you're older. Much older..." she sighed. It would be hard and heavy stories to tell him, but he should know. She guessed he would like to. J.J. cooed and she smiled at him before looking out again "I don't even know where to begin." 

They had a long story to tell him. About his dad. About Joel. Their story. But this was for later. Now she could just enjoy this lazy afternoon with him.

"Potato... Potato. My little baby Potato" Ellie put a whistle in the middle of her song, and J.J. yelled excitedly on her lap at that, small hands in the air for a second "My Potato, my Potato. My little buddy Potato..."

He cooed, smiling at her.

"All right, little spud. We should go check on Mama" Ellie shifted him on her arms, changing positions so she could slide out of the tractor. 

The sun had gone down even more while she talked to him, and was with just a bit more of reddish orange on the sky. 

"Oof, my back" Ellie complained quietly to J.J. She loved carrying him and showing him things but the baby was heavy. The banjo was still playing in the background. She walked back, and when Dina heard her stepping in she said she was going to hang up the laundry.

"Come say hi!" Dina called from the back door

"We will!" and she could see there, Dina with the laundry basket, stepping down and disappearing. 

Ellie followed, stepping down the small stairs to the back garden, where they grew some vegetables and around the house to where Dina was hanging some clothes.

"Does he need his jacket?" she asked with a glance up her shoulder.

"Nah, he's fine" she kissed Dina's cheek and squatted down beside the fence, where a small lamb put its head towards them.

"You wanna pet him?" she asked J.J. holding him down on her leg as to not dirty his onesie. "All right, there you go"

He fussed, swinging his little arms wildly.

"Oh, oh oh! Gentle, gentle, gentle" Ellie said, low and with care, and he seemed to get it, his movements less frantic, observing as she put her hand on the lamb's head "Just like that". His hands were light now, and the lamb closed its eyes when he touched its fur. "There you go. Yeah..."

He cooed excitedly.

"Hey."

"Hey." Ellie turned, and Dina was behind her, their curtains around her shoulders as their makeshift baby bag.

"I'll take him. Can you get the sheep into the barn?”

"No, I got 'im. I can do it" she smiled, changing him on her arms again.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. I want you rested up" she winked at Dina and she only laughed at her.

"Okay, here" Dina slid the babybag around her shoulders, and helped her put J.J. inside it.

"Come on"

"Getcha in there..." They locked eyes for a second, a smiled on their lips "Don't stay out too long. He still needs a bath."

"Psshhh, I'm like the herding master" Ellie said with a smile, looking at a Dina that rolled her eyes before closing the fence "Listen up, sheep! Your dinner awaits you in the barn! So... come on..." she yelled out, clapping and walking around, making sure they are all going inside. Snowy, Daisy, Ewe-gene, Todd. "Wow, that's a lot of sheep. How many do you think that is? Let's count"

She kept walking, this time counting the sheep as they went into the barn "One, two... better stop 'cause I'm getting sleepy" she snickered at her own joke. She was sure Dina would have laughed too.

"Hey, hey. Inside, inside"

She spent more time than she thought she should and it was definitely because they had way too many sheep. Yep. That's why. She shared her thoughts with J.J.

"Hey, what do you think we eat some of them? Tasty snack?"

The last one of the sheep went inside their cubicles, and Ellie patted J.J.'s back before closing the fence inside the barn.

"You warm in there, buddy?" he only cooed, so she turned to the sheep "Okay guys, we'll see you tomorrow!"

She heard a tiny bleat, coming from the dark inside the barn.

"Hey! How'd you get out?" Ellie walked towards the lamb, one hand on J.J.'s body. "Come on, little dude"

She lowered her body towards the animal, but it seemed to just yell at her. And then it scurried away, knocking the shovel down.

It made a horrible clang against the ground, and Ellie saw Joel there, face bloodied and beaten up, the sound of the shovel the sound of his head forced on the ground.

Her breath became ragged, and she could feel how fast her heart was beating.

"Okay" she said to herself, her own voice sounding shaky and foreign to her ears. She turned, the whole barn dark and creepy in ways it wasn't a few moments before, the silhouette of the lamb cut at the door by the last of the sun. "C'mon, little guy... Do you wanna eat...?"

Ellie walked, her heart pounding and the door creaking, moving with the wind that had picked up. The lamb fled again, out of the barn.

And the door closed with a bang.

She could hear yelling in the dark. Yelling and a strained breathing, someone gasping for air.

_She_ was gasping for air, standing in at the top of a dark staircase, her flashlight lit, and she could hear Joel.

_She could her Joel._

"Ellie!" he yelled and Ellie could hear the pain in his voice.

"No, no, no...", she ran down the stairs, midway when he yelled again.

"Help me!". Desperate and then he groaned in agony.

There was a door at the end, and blood at the floor beneath it. She tried the knob, but the door was closed, and she couldn't open it. She couldn't open it, she could only hear Joel screaming inside while she put all her weight on the door, while she flung her body against it.

"Joel!" it didn't open. She couldn't get to him "Please, no..."

She could hear yelling. _She_ was yelling.

"Ellie?" Dina was kneeled in front of her, her brow furrowed in worry "Ellie, look at me."

She was sitting, the wooden wall of the barn behind her and J.J. crying on her arms. She could feel and hear her heart beating fast on her chest, could hear herself gasping for air.

She tried to focus her eyes on Dina.

"It's okay, you're home. You're home." She put her hand on Ellie's cheek, and Ellie met brown eyes, her cold fingers lightly touching Dina's wrist, then her arm, almost as it to be sure she was real. "Breathe. Breathe"

"I can't, I can't!" She was going to die. She couldn't breathe, she was trying so hard but it just seemed to escape her. Her eyes filled with tears.

"Okay, I'm gonna take him, okay?" Dina's voice was steady, calm, and she only lifted her eyes from Ellie's to take J.J. "C'mere, bud"

She put her hands under his armpits, and Ellie could only try to breathe, her own arms feeling like jelly.

"Shh, shh. It's okay..." Dina whispered softly to their kid, and Ellie tried to believe that too. She put her head in her arms, propped over her knees and tried to breathe.

She could hear the faint sounds of Dina's muddy steps, trying to calm J.J. down.

"I'm sorry" she said, weakly.

_I'm sorry I'm such a mess. I'm sorry I made him cry. I'm sorry I made you worry. I'm sorry..._

"I don't know what..." she tried to keep going, stumbling on her words, but she was finally getting some air in her lungs "I was just bringing in the..."

Ellie put her hand on her chest, to make sure she was indeed there, and to try to calm herself down. Her heart was still pounding against her ribcage, and she could easily feel it. Her skin hurted.

J.J was calming down, with Dina's pacing and soft voice.

"It's okay, there we go"

She then walked to her, warm hand on her shoulder as she sat on the ground beside Ellie.

"Hey." Her voice was gentle and the hand on her shoulder moved to trace small circles on the top of her back.

"Oh man...", her breathing was leveling out now, but she still couldn't look at Dina's eyes.

"It's good." Dina said beside her, a small smile on her voice, her hand moving from her back to her knee "Haven't had any excitement in a while, hmm?"

Ellie focused on her breathing, holding her arms in front of her. She focused on the warmth coming from Dina's hand on her leg.


	2. Why aren’t you here?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tommy came and Ellie left her family.  
> For the first time.

Ellie had a hard time sleeping that night. 

J.J. was sleeping on the crib tonight, and Dina wrapped her hand around Ellie's waist, pulling her back closer to her chest. She wanted Ellie to feel safe, to feel like she was truly home, even though she knew it was hard for her to feel at ease without Joel. Especially because of the way Joel had left.

Dina remembered lying on the floor of the Theater in Seattle, an arrow through her right shoulder and the sounds of Ellie crying, the feeling of her shaky hands on her face, on her body, before completely losing her conscience.

She remembered waking on her back, the arrow nowhere to be seen and pain going through her bandaged shoulder. Ellie had been there, though, gently lifting her head to give her water, holding her hand with cold fingers and wiping away tears. 

She would speak even less than what was normal for Ellie, tending to their needs, to their wounds, the circles under her eyes becoming darker each day. She would take care of her and Tommy, until they were well enough for the trip back to Jackson, but the silence was heavy between those two.

“Ellie?”, the sound of her voice immediately brought Ellie to her side, eyes alert and worried.

“Dina? Do you want anything?”, her voice was strained, unused.

_I want you to sleep. I want you to stop beating yourself up for a second. I want you to lie with me in this old makeshift bed and tell me what you’re thinking about. Or just talk to me, about anything. I want to make sure you’ll be okay._

“Can you give me some water?”, she said instead, waiting for Ellie to uncap the bottle for her. She drank, thinking of how to talk to her, how to try and make her open up, even if just a bit. “Can you lay with me?”

Ellie looked surprised for a second, her frown disappearing and Dina could see how young she was. How young _they_ were. She hesitated, eyes searching her face, but then she nodded, laying together with her, their faces close to each other.

“Are you okay?” her voice was low, careful, because Ellie hadn’t met her eyes since they rested their heads on the pillow.

Dina watched as she bit nervously her lower lip, her brown knit together in a frown and the way her hands were never still. And then Ellie nodded. Slow, unsure.

“How… how is your shoulder?”. Quietly. Full of guilt. Ellie finally looked at her, even if for just a moment before looking away.

Dina huffed.

“Hurts like a bitch”, and she watched as a tiny smile played across Ellie’s lips, quickly disappearing. She only nodded in understanding, and Dina caught her fidgeting hands in hers, squeezing her cold fingers. “El… It’s okay not to be okay. You know that, right?”

Dina saw Ellie’s eyes closing, her body trembling for a breath and then her nodding. She just planted a kiss on her forehead.

“We will be okay.”

Dina was tending to the vegetables, J.J. holding Ollie and gurgling beside her.

Dina knew this wouldn't be an easy day. Ellie had left early, rifle on her shoulder and eyes on the floor after squeezing her hand in a good-bye. She had forced a smile for J.J. before closing the door, rushed footsteps as she walked away.

She knew she had barely slept, her mind still on the flashes in the barn, but Dina only held tighter on her. She may not be fine, but she would be. They would be.

It was a bit after lunch, after she had fed J.J. and was cleaning the dishes that she heard knocking. Ellie didn't need to knock.

“Tommy”, she smiled at him, taking in his half-closed eye, his unkept beard and the low ponytail in his neck. He smiled back and she signaled him in.

“Oh hey Dina. Ellie’s here?”, he looked around, his eyes ending up on her again.

He looked older than his age, somehow. Older than Joel looked when Abby had come, more lines in his face. Although now there seemed to have a light in his eyes. She shook her head.

“Out. I’m not sure when she’s coming back, though. You’re welcome to wait if you want”  
He smiled, sitting at the armchair and stretching his bad leg out.

“Thank you, Dina. How’s J.J.?”

Conversation was light between them, and J.J. seemed to enjoy messing with his beard and the silly faces he tried to make. She smiled at them, although she couldn’t shake the feeling something was going to happen.

Why was Tommy there? Why was he looking for Ellie? Did they need her in Jackson? Did something happen?

She talked to him, half of her paying attention to the outside, waiting to see Ellie coming back home.

She heard Ellie on the porch now, mumbling something to the horse and then her footsteps on the wooden floor outside, and Dina rushed to the door.

"Hey", Ellie was resting the rifle on wall, and she held a dead rabbit on the other hand "Where you been?"

She tried to hide the worry she felt, tried to make her voice lighter as she put her hands on Ellie's neck, pulling her closer in a hug.

"Hunting. Took a little longer than I thought", Ellie's hands found her waist, and she pulled her closer too.

Dina could feel the tension on her shoulders. The way she didn't rest her head on her shoulder or kissed her neck.

"Who's here?", she said, angling her head to try and see inside.

Dina's hand didn't leave her arm.

"Uh, just come inside"

Could Ellie hear her nervousness?

She stepped inside, in front of Dina, seeing Tommy for the first time since they moved to the farm. He was sitting on the armchair, J.J. sitting on his knee.

"Ow, ow! That's quite a grip you got there"

"Hey Tommy" Ellie let out in a puff of air.

"There you are"

Dina came around then, eyeing Ellie's posture, her square shoulders and Tommy's eyes. It was business.

"Here, lemme take him. C'mere, bud", she put her hands under his armpits and lifted him up to her arms, his little arms around her neck, before extending her hand to help him.

"I got it"s he put both his hands on the armrest and lifted his weight up, keeping his left leg kinda outstretched.

"Hey" Ellie said again, moving in closer, and they shared a fast hug, Ellie's body still tense "It's good to see you"

"Mmm, you too"

Dina eyes were on Ellie, how she took two steps back until she was almost beside her, and then on Tommy, when he seemed like he didn't know where to start.

"He's getting heavy", he said with a smile, and she couldn't stop the one on her face, looking at Ellie and how she reached for J.J.'s little feet

"I know. He's just a big ball of muscle" she made a voice, and her heart fluttered just by seeing the warmth on Ellie's smile.

"Town's good?" her fingers left J.J's feet as her attention shifted back to Tommy. "Maria good?"

"She's fine"

Dina didn't miss how their voices were tense, how Ellie was moving without leaving her place, rubbing her hands together. She looked at Tommy, than at J.J., than at Dina.

"She's fine. We um... we're taking some time apart"

"I'm sorry" Ellie said, and she sounded sorry. Although still puzzled as to why he was there.

"Nah. We talked about it a lot and uh, it's what we both want", Tommy walked to the dining table, sitting on the chair. "Okay... come sit. I got something to show you"

Dina lulled J.J., gently moving around as Ellie took slow steps to the table, sitting close to Tommy. She looked at her over the shoulder, and their eyes met for a second.

"So I've been putting out feelers for months now. And this new guy heard my story, told me about a woman that he traded with while he was moving through California", Dina heard the hustling of paper, and the house was quiet, as if this was too important for even the wind to disturb. "Described her as built like an ox, travelling with a kid with scars across his face"

There was a moment of silence, and she and Tommy were just looking at Ellie.

"He said they were living along this coast in a beached sailboat. Right here", she heard him tapping on the map, though she was too far to see exactly where he was pointing to. Ellie still hadn't said a word. "That's gotta be her"

Ellie was quiet, but Dina could see the tension on her shoulders. How she was stiff and unmoving.

"We're done with that, so..." J.J. pulled at her blouse, and both Ellie and Tommy looked at her. She glared at him, and when we looked down at the map, Ellie wasn't looking at her anymore. Dina's heart was fast in her chest, waiting for her answer.

"I'm sorry", Ellie's voice was low, almost a whisper. Tommy cleared his throat.

"Well, I can't go". There was anger in his voice.

He couldn't go, not with that leg or with barely two eyes.

"I know", her whisper was full of guilt, and Dina saw her looking down at her hands.

"All right...", Tommy huffed, pulling his backpack from the ground and using the table to lever himself up. "Reckon is easy to forget about her when you're sitting all comfy way out here-"

His voice was full of bottled up rage. He had barely stood up when Dina was there, putting herself between him and Ellie, shielding her.

"Hey" she said. _Boundaries._

"'I'll make her pay'", he threw her words back at her.

"Tommy."

The warning on her voice didn't stop him.

"That's what you said when we got back to Jackson-"

"Tommy."

That made him stop. That of the fact Ellie wasn't looking at him. He snorted, his backpack in his shoulders.

"What a joke"

Tommy limped away, and Ellie was just... there. Sitting, looking at nothing.

Dina's blood was boiling.

"Can you take him, please?"

The sound of her voice seemed to make her snap out of it, and Ellie quickly stood up to take J.J. off of her arms.

"Yeah", she pulled him closer to her body, shaking slightly "I got you"

Dina stormed off the door, to Tommy.

"Hey! What the fuck was that?"

He was adjusting the saddle, preparing himself to leave.

"Nothin'"

"Goddammit Tommy, you know what we've been through-" she wanted to punch him, actually, but she knew she wouldn't do it. 

He knew how broken Ellie was, didn't he? He saw it, it was impossible not to. And yet, how could he come to their house to say that to Ellie?

"Save it!", he yelled back. "She made a promise!"

"I don't fucking care!"

She said she would go where Ellie went, and she did. And then they came back, broken and tried to put their pieces back together. She gripped the wooden rail, her knuckles white.

"I know you don't, Dina", Tommy's voice was lower now, his tone sarcastic almost "That's your goddamn problem"

"Listen to me"

"Oh yeah, I'm all fuckin' ears"

"You don't come back here with that shit to my house ever again. Do you understand me?

She didn't want to see him again, ever, right now. She wanted him to disappear, she wished he had never came with that stupid map.

Her heart was beating loud in her ears, full of anger and fear and worry. 

Tommy just scoffed and rode his horse away.

Dinner was tense and short. Ellie fed J.J., making silly noises as she flew ths spoon in the air to his mouth. He laughed, but the green in her eyes seemed muted, distant. Her jaw was clenched and she looked away, at the golden grass, at the moon.

Outside.

When they went to bed, J.J. slept between them, apparently sensing the tension in the air and not wanting to be in his crib.

Ellie's eyes were still dark and full of shame and guilt. Dina kissed her lips lightly before getting under the covers and hoped they would be fine.

They had to.

She woke up in the middle of the night. Ellie wasn't there.

_Ellie wasn't there._

Her insides were cold as she rushed down the stairs. 

Ellie was in the kitchen, kneeled on the floor. She wasn't on her pajamas, rather wearing jeans and with a jacket on. And she was packing her guns.

"Hey", she said, softly.

Ellie stood up, taking in a big breath, her face in a frown. She looked conflicted, in pain.

"Hey", her voice was just as soft.

"Man, it's been a while since he slept this long, huh?"

Maybe she was just going to hunt. But with the feeling of dread inside her, she knew she didn't believe it.

"He had a day", Ellie agreed with her. Her green eyes following her as she took a step closer.

"Yeah", she just looked at Ellie, and then shook her head. "He's fine. Come back to bed."

Ellie just stood there. Her face a mask Dina couldn’t see through. 

"We'll talk about it in the morning. Okay?", she pushed, turning to go back, but Ellie was frozen to the ground.

This was it. The turning point. The moment the winds have stopped blowing to hear Ellie's answer. The moment time seemed to stop and the only thing she could hear was her heart beating, and the only thing she could see was Ellie's eyes. Green like the forest, full of pain and guilt and shame and sadness.

"I have to finish it", she blurted out.

And there it was, those unspoken words finally out, making her heart sink. 

_No you fool, you don't have to._

Dina closed her eyes, wishing Ellie hadn't said those words. She wanted to cry for so many different reasons.

She turned back, looking at Ellie's face.

"You don't owe Tommy anything". Her hands were on her hips, and she was trying hard to make Ellie understand.

Her brows were knit together, and even though they were only a few feet away, Dina felt like they never were more distant.

"I don't sleep. I don't eat. I'm...", there was pain in her voice, showing on her face, her eyes full of tears. "I'm not like you, Dina"

"What? You think this is easy?" she scoffed. Unbelievable. "For you, and for him, I deal with it."

She stepped closer, eyeing Ellie, but her eyes were on the ground. And then on hers.

"I love you-", she started, but Dina interrupted her.

"Prove it. Stay.", she pleaded, her voice nothing more than a whisper.

Ellie's eyes were down again, like she was collecting her thoughts, but she looked at Dina to answer.

"I can't". She bit at her lip, her eyes full of tears, and Dina wondered which one of them would break first.

"So what? I'm just supposed to sit here and wait for you, for god knows how long, just thinking that you're fucking dead the entire time?"

"I don't plan on dying"

"Yeah, well, neither did Jesse. Or Joel"

That was low, maybe that was what was necessary for her to stay. She was at arms reach of Ellie, now and she could see every freckle on her face. She looked hurt, and almost angry when she took her backpack.

"Hey, stop. Hey" she finally touched Ellie, holding her face close.

She could see the bags under her eyes, how tired she looked. Her hair half in that tiny ponytail, half down to her shoulders. She could feel the soft skin of her jaw, how warm she was.

"Hey, come on", her voice broke, and she looked at Ellie's face, trying to make her see, make her understand she couldn't go.

Ellie looked at her, clouded green eyes, than lowered them, her hand holding her wrist and pulling it away from her face.

"No.", she didn't let go, instead, she pulled Ellie in, making their foreheads touch.  


And then Ellie slid away from her hands and they sighed.

Dina moved away, wiping the tears in her eyes in disbelief. She tried to hold it inside, but her breath was shaky and tears streamed down her cheek.

She had her back to Ellie.

"I'm not gonna do this again"

Ellie didn't answer for some moments, and when it came, her voice was low.

"That's up to you."

Dina closed her eyes in pain. Was she really doing that? Leaving them? It hurt. She kept crying, quietly weeping in the kitchen.

She didn't turn around to see Ellie leaving.

But she heard her steps and the door closing behind her.

_“I love you”_

Ellie’s voice repeated itself in her head, in that pleading, broken way she had spoken, but Dina could only see the empty space the other side of J.J.  
_So why aren’t you here?_


	3. I’ve missed you all day.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina is trying to understand what is happening. How can she keep living the same day over and over again?  
> How does she make it stop?

When Dina woke up, Ellie was beside her, her hands around Ellie's waist, their legs intertwined.

_“I love you”_

She could hear Ellie’s voice in her head, in that pleading, broken way she had spoken. Hadn't she?

But Ellie was on the bed, lying with her.

She poked Ellie and she grumbled on her sleep, apparently too tired from not sleeping properly. 

That's weird.

She then pinched herself, because Ellie definitely was real, but this couldn't be happening. The pain she felt, however, was very much real.

Ellie had left early, rifle on her shoulder and eyes on the floor after squeezing her hand in a good-bye. She had forced a smile for J.J. before closing the door, rushed footsteps as she walked away. Exactly like the day before. And it just made her even more confused.

Dina was tending to the vegetables, J.J. holding Ollie and gurgling beside her. Was this the most fucked up _déjà vu_ ever? 

It was a bit after lunch, after she had fed J.J. and was cleaning the dishes that she heard knocking.

She prayed it wouldn't be Tommy.

It was Tommy.

“Tommy”, she forced a smile. He smiled back and she signaled him in.

“Oh hey Dina. Ellie’s here?”, he looked around, his eyes ending up on her again.

He spoke exactly like he had yesterday. She shook her head.

“Out. I’m not sure when she’s coming back, though. You’re welcome to wait if you want”  
He smiled, sitting at the armchair and stretching his bad leg out. She remembered that she knew, actually, when Ellie was coming back.

“Thank you, Dina. How’s J.J.?”

Conversation was light between them, like she didn’t yell at him the day before, and J.J. seemed to enjoy messing with his beard and the silly faces he tried to make. She smiled at them, although she couldn’t shake the strange feeling inside her. This had happened already. She was sure of it. 

Would Ellie remember too? But she left. How was she there this morning? Had she came back in the middle of the night? 

Still, that would be no reason for Tommy to be there again. Did he came to say sorry?

She heard Ellie on the porch now, mumbling something to the horse and then her footsteps on the wooden floor outside, and Dina rushed to the door.

"Hey", Ellie was resting the rifle on wall, and she held a dead rabbit on the other hand "How was the hunting?"

She tried to hide the worry she felt, tried to make her voice lighter as she put her hands on Ellie's neck, pulling her closer in a hug.

"Good. Took a little longer than I thought", Ellie's hands found her waist, and she pulled her closer too.

Dina could feel the tension on her shoulders.

"Who's here?", she said, crooking her head to try and see inside. 

So she didn't remember.

Had it been just a dream?

“Uh… come inside”

She stepped inside, in front of Dina, apparently seeing Tommy for the first time since they moved to the farm. He was sitting on the armchair, J.J. sitting on his knee.

"Ow, ow! That's quite a grip you got there"

"Hey Tommy" Ellie let out in a puff of air. She sounded surprised to see him.

"There you are"

Dina came around then, eyeing Ellie's posture, her square shoulders and Tommy's eyes. Trying to make sense of what was happening.

She took J.J. from Tommy's lap, and he moved to the dining table, limping.

And then he took the map from his backpack.

Dina's eyes were trained on his movements while she slowly moved around with her son. How we was eager to open the map, to show Ellie...

"...That's gotta be her" 

Dina approached a bit, able to see now where he was pointing to. California. That was a ways over, quite far. Ellie's head was low.

"We're done with that, so..." she heard how her voice sounded stiff, hard. Angry. She glared at him, her heart beating fast.

"I'm sorry", Ellie's voice was low. Tommy cleared his throat.

"Well, I can't go". The anger in his voice matched Dina's.

"I know", Ellie's whisper was full of guilt, and Dina saw her looking down at her hands.

"All right...", Tommy huffed, pulling his backpack from the ground and using the table to lever himself up. "Reckon is easy to forget about her when you're sitting all comfy way out here-"

His voice was full of bottled up rage. He had barely stood up when Dina was there, putting herself between him and Ellie, shielding her.

"Hey" she said.

"'I'll make her pay'", he threw her words back at her. Mocking her.

"Tommy."

The warning on her voice didn't stop him. 

"That's what you said when we got back to Jackson-"

"Tommy."

He snorted, his backpack in his shoulders.

"What a joke"

Tommy limped away, and Dina gave Ellie J.J. to go out at the porch to yell at him. The words came easily.

She hated him at that moment. He was the one taking Ellie away from her. Guilting and shaming her.

He rode away.

She woke up in the middle of the night. Ellie wasn't there.

Her insides were cold as she rushed down the stairs.   
Ellie was in the kitchen, kneeled on the floor. She wasn't on her pajamas, rather wearing jeans and with a jacket on. And she was packing her guns.  
Dina's eyes were full of tears.

Ellie was leaving.

They talked again.

Dina closed her eyes in pain. She kept crying, quietly weeping in the kitchen.

She didn't turn around to see Ellie leaving.

But she heard her steps and the door closing behind her. Again.

_“I love you”_  
She could hear Ellie’s voice in her head, in that pleading, broken way she had spoken.   
She couldn't unhear it. 

Ellie was beside her, though.

She went hunting.

Tommy came by.

Ellie left.


	4. Now I see you standing all alone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina doesn't know how to stop this.  
> She just wants to see the next day.  
> She tries to understand Ellie.

Dina wasn’t sure of how many times she had lived that day. She always woke up with Ellie’s voice in her head, and her hands wrapped around her waist.

She usually went to sleep without her, though.

She wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do to stop this. To just live the next day, with or without Ellie.

She tried a bunch of different things. 

First, she tried to stop Tommy from meeting Ellie. She said she already knew of Abby, and he looked surprised, riding out in anger after it. Or she told him she went hunting and she wouldn’t be back that day, and he rode away, telling her he would come back the next day.

He did, but it was the same day for her.

Then, she tried to steal his map before he could show it to Ellie. It took her some days trying, but she made it. He was still able to shame her into going away.

Some days she was too tired, and she would hear Tommy with Ellie at the dining table, unable to hold back the tears because she knew what was coming. 

Some days she wouldn’t leave the bed in the night, instead letting Ellie leave in silence.

The day kept repeating itself.

Some days she was angry at Ellie, for being blind to their family, seeing only the guilt Tommy showed her. It never lasted, though.

Some days she tried to enjoy Ellie’s presence. She would stop her from going hunting, keeping her at home. Dina would ask her to play something for them, she would try to make her smile. Until Tommy came by.

What was Ellie thinking? Why would she always leave? Weren’t they enough for her?

She couldn’t ask her. What if her answer was _“No. You aren’t enough”_? What would she do, then?

It downed on her one day, that she could just… _look._

Even when Ellie wouldn’t talk to her, Dina knew her favourite shoulder to cry on was her notebook. She could just look at it, see was she had been thinking.

She battled with herself for some days. She would be invading Ellie’s privacy, and the girl obviously cherished it. But she could see into her mind, maybe. Try to understand her. Try to get _why_ she would always leave in the dead of the night.

Ellie left that night again, the door closing behind her.

She had to know.

So when she went hunting Dina shifted through Ellie's journal. She sat in Ellie’s study, surrounded by drawings of her and of their son, and opened the box under the table. She took the topmost notebook and opened it, a part of her feeling guilty of looking through her stuff. It was hot and the window was open, but there was no breeze.

The journal had a lot of drawings, a lot of J.J.s with curious looks, his sleeping baby face, his small feet and hands.

Seeing that she had drawn Joel surprised her. His scruffy beard, his strong jaw, but his eyes were always crossed, always risked with the black pencil, two pools of nothing.

And there were the moths with him.

_"Happened again. Got rid of the images pretty quickly, but my skin hurt the rest of the morning. I gave up trying to go back to sleep. Dina stayed up with me. When will this stop?"_

She wasn't entirely sure which of the times Ellie had woken up this entry was about, but she remembered how her breath suddenly became ragged, how she would toss and turn in her sleep until she would wake up, a scream on her lips that never escaped. How she would try to comfort Ellie, to say they were okay, that she was safe, and how she could feel her heart beating fast when she hugged her from behind.

_"I don't know how Dina talks so easily about Jesse. She tells JJ all about him. She thinks it'd be good for me to talk about Joel. To get it all. When she says that it makes the memories sound like food poisoning._

_I don't want to talk about it. It's just gonna hurt. And I think once I'd start I wouldn't be able to stop"_

Dina remembered talking to JJ about Jesse, telling him about his father and how sad Ellie's face seemed when she looked at her, and how her heart sank in her chest.

It wasn’t always easy to speak about him, but she realized she actually felt better after.

She remembered telling her she should try to talk about it, and how Ellie's eyes seemed to darken and she only looked away, though her hand didn't leave hers.

_"Took JJ on a ride today. He laughed the whole time. I almost didn't think about Seattle all day. It was nice."_

Dina's heart ached in her chest. She thought about Seattle too, but none of them really spoke about it with each other. Would things have been different if they had? Would Ellie feel less alone? Lighter?

She endured it for Ellie and for JJ, and it seemed like Ellie was trying for them too.  
She started the next spread.

_"Jesse's parents came out today. It was nice at first. They're good people. But then they started pushing for us to move back to Jackson. I couldn't handle it and left for the woods. I didn't come back until late at night. Dina stayed up for me. I could tell she was mad, but she grabbed my hand and led me to bed. I feel so guilty."_

More moths.

Dina remembered that day. Robin and Mitchel had come by and Ellie had stayed with them at the living room playing with JJ until they started talking about moving back. And didn't take the clues to change the subject.

She understood it, and she knew Ellie understood it too: they wanted to live close to their grandson, to live close to the last living part of their son.

She remembered Ellie's face dropping, her rushed excuse and the door closing behind her. 

She had stayed up late, long after JJ was asleep and Jesse's parents went back, worrying about Ellie. Pacing on the living room, looking out the window. Trying to listen for gunshots, for anything. And then Ellie had arrived, a bit sweaty, and Dina was so mad. Relieved, but mad.

She was worried sick, but Ellie's face was low, her eyes on the floor. She helped her with her jacket and gently led her up to the bed, snuggling close to her, her heart sad and worried and mad and relieved.

_"It happened again. I was hunting this boar and I'd cornered it in this old gas station. It was bleeding out, screaming. Sounded like him. Then I couldn't get the images out of my head. I left it there, dying. My skin hurts."_

Dina wasn't sure which one of Ellie's hunting trips was that one. She would put traps around the farm, or hunt for their dinner, but sometimes she would come back empty handed, a distant look in her eyes, like she wasn't really there. She would put the rifle away, take off the boots and disappear. She usually came back with JJ, though sometimes the tips of her fingers were stained with graphite.

She wondered if she had yelled like that yesterday that happened so long ago. If she felt like she was at the mansion again.

Under the entry was a drawing of the boar, the tusks broken and the wound at its side bleeding out.

Ellie had also drawn Abby, although she also missed her eyes. She only had the outline of her face, her nose and mouth and that long braid over one shoulder. Then moths, moths and Joel's broken watch.

That didn't look like an entry, it looked like lyrics to a song.

"When does it get quiet?  
Time was supposed to  
-suffocate the urge...-  
-suffocate the desire...-  
-extinguish?-  
Extinguish the desire...

Haunted by your -stare- smiles  
The mask keeps getting heavier  
-It's sliding off my face-  
One step forward, two steps back

There's a noose around my neck  
And the further I get  
-the tighter- It's harder and harder to breathe  
Can I find a way to cut the -cord rope- cord?

I've been waiting for the dawn  
But the light is all gone  
-I've lost the light-  
Don't know if I'm already  
Blind  
Can I leave it all behind?"

Dina wanted to cry. She wanted to tear the pages out, and to make Ellie tell her what she was feeling. Why did she always have to bottle it all up?

Was she trying to run from Seattle but the memories always caught up to her? She seemed to be trying to leave it all behind, but the pain was always there, always around, never letting her forget. Did she feel trapped?

When she felt she made progress, was in on the days she wouldn’t think about Seattle? And then only to see Joel dead in her memories... Was it because Abby still walked the Earth?

She didn’t understand why Ellie went away everyday, but the understood why Ellie thought she needed to.

Were her smiles a mask? Was she trying to pretend she was fine? Trying not to worry her?

Or was she faking it until she made it?

Would knowing it make a difference?


	5. I would sell my soul for a bit more time.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dina tries to enjoy Ellie's presence.

Dina woke up, Ellie asleep beside her, her hand around Ellie's waist, her body pressed against her back.

_“I love you”_

It was like her mind wouldn't let her forget that Ellie loved her.

She felt tired from seeing Ellie leave or stay but waking up on the same day all the same.

She poked Ellie and she grumbled on her sleep, so she reached over and kissed her on the cheek.

"C'mon, El", and she moaned.

"Your breath smells" she murmured, a little smile on her lips and she opened one of eyes to look at her.

Dina playfully smacked her arm and Ellie laughed. She liked the sound.

She wanted to spend all of her days with Ellie, not just the same day over and over again. 

"Well, it's not yours smells like flowers either", she stood up and started changing her clothes "besides, I think I remember you kissing me even when I smelled like hot garbage"

Ellie laughed then, standing and taking J.J. from his crib before changing her clothes.

She seemed happy, but now Dina couldn't stop thinking that maybe she was seeing a mask. Could she see through it?

She didn't let Ellie go hunting that day, instead asking her to repair some things in the house to make her stay. This was one of the days Dina wanted to enjoy her presence.

"Hey, remember that one time when we were out on patrol", Ellie started, her voice being carried by the open window. "And we killed that one infected with the bomb and his arm fell off?"

It didn't take Dina a long time to remember that one. They were cleaning a village close to Jackson, and it was kinda packed, so Ellie put bombs on the floor and threw a glass bottle close to it. A bunch of clickers flailed at the sound, stepping on the bomb and setting it off.

One of them though, only lost the left arm and Ellie had to shoot it on the head.

But Ellie had had a little smile on her lips.

"And you said _'He's all right now'_?", she remembered Ellie struggling to keep a straight face. Ellie laughed, agreeing.

"Seems like not much was left of him!" Dina could hear the strain on Ellie's voice, how hard she was trying to deliver the joke.

It was adorable. 

They laughed.

"Were you thinking of this this whole time?", she asked, wiping her hands on her jeans to walk off the kitchen so she could see her out in the porch.

Her hair glowed like copper in the sun, and she was wearing a tank top, hammer in her hand and one nail between her teeth. It was hot and windless, not a single leaf moving. She was cackling at her own joke.

Ellie lifted her eyes from the stairs at the porch, and she took the nail off her mouth.

"I mean, I had thought about it after we came home, but we never took another guy's left arm again", she just shrugged.

Dina wished she could stay in this moment forever.

She sat beside Ellie on the porch, and took her sweaty face in her hands, kissing her. Her lips were salty.

"Dina? Are you okay?", Ellie's voice carried worry, and her brows were together in a frown.

J.J. gurgled on the ground in her lap, clapping his tiny hands.

"Yeah, I just. I love you." _I missed you. I'll miss you._ She wiped away one tear. "Plus, you're the one smelling like hot garbage now, it feels like I'm cutting onions."

Ellie smiled.

"You're the one that kissed me"

She stuck her tongue out, but before she could stand up, Ellie held her wrist and brought their lips together once again.

"I love you"  
_"I love you"_

Her eyes filled with tears and she smiled at a confused Ellie before going back inside.

Tommy came.

Ellie was always surprised when she saw him, and after he played with the baby a bit, Dina took J.J. from his lap, and he moved to the dining table, limping.

And then he took the _fucking map_ from his backpack.

Dina's eyes were trained on his movements while she slowly moved around with her son. How we was eager to open the map, to show Ellie Santa Barbara.

"...That's gotta be her" 

Ellie's head was low. She never spoke. She never seemed to have the strength to, so Dina lent her hers.

"We're done with that." She heard how her voice sounded stiff, hard. Angry. She glared at him, her heart pounding on her chest.

"I'm sorry", Ellie's voice was low. Tommy cleared his throat.

"Well, I can't go". The anger in his voice didn’t match Dina's.

"I know", Ellie's whisper was full of guilt, and Dina saw her looking down at her hands. 

Did she feel it because she didn’t want to go? Or because they had failed before? Or did she feel it because of how she seemed to not be able to leave it behind? 

"All right...", Tommy huffed, pulling his backpack from the ground and using the table to lever himself up. "Reckon is easy to forget about her when you're sitting all comfy way out here-"

His voice was full of bottled up rage. He had barely stood up when Dina was there, putting herself between him and Ellie, shielding her.

"Hey" she said.

"'I'll make her pay'", he threw her words back at her. Mocking her.

"Tommy."

The warning on her voice didn't stop him. Would it ever stop him?

"That's what you said when we got back to Jackson-"

_"Tommy."_

He snorted, his backpack in his shoulders.

"What a joke."

Tommy limped away, and Dina gave Ellie J.J. to go out at the porch to yell at him. The words came easily. They always did.

She hoped he wouldn’t come back.

He rode away.

Ellie didn't leave.

She woke up, and he was there again.

_Fuck._


	6. You’re 11 minutes away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When will it stop?

She forced herself to stand up in the middle of the night.

Ellie was in the kitchen, kneeled on the floor. She wasn't in her pajamas, rather wearing jeans and with a jacket on. And she was packing her guns. _Again._

"Hey", she said, tired.

Ellie stood up, taking in a big breath, her face in a frown. Always in a frown. She looked conflicted, in pain.

"Hey", her voice soft.

She was exhausted. She did this every night, but for some reason she had to it again and again. Her chest was tight, and everything hurted.

Would Ellie go away again?

Every night she thought she couldn't survive the pain of Ellie going away, yet everyday she endured it another time.

"You... don't have to do this you know? You don't owe Tommy anything" her voice sounded tired in her ears. Hurt.

What would make her stay? Or what would make this day end? Should she let her go?

She already tried that.

"Can't we talk about it in the morning?", she pushed, turning her back to her, not wanting see her leaving. She never saw it.

"I have to finish it", Ellie blurted out.

No. Not again.

"Ellie... You don't have to go. It is finished. We finished it in Seattle." 

Ellie seemed frozen to the ground, her body stiff.

"I love you. Don't go" She already tried that one, but it was the truth. She loved Ellie, with every inch of her.

She loved how gentle her hands were when she touched Dina, how she always made her crack with one of her stupid jokes. She loved how J.J. loved her, and the smile she always gave him. She loved when she played the guitar, when she sang and Dina could see she was thinking of Joel. She loved her puns and how she loved Savage Starlight. She loved how their bodies fit together, how she tasted and how soft her lips were.

She loved how she was infuriating and how she refused to ask for help because this was what made Ellie Ellie.

And she knew Ellie loved her too.

"I don't sleep. I don't eat. I'm...", there was pain in her voice, showing on her face, her eyes full of tears. Dina didn't want to watch it again, yet she couldn't look away.

"I love you-", she started, but Dina interrupted her.

"Prove it. Stay.", she pleaded, her voice nothing more than a whisper. She tried everyday. She had to. She closed the distance between them, putting her hand on Ellie's face.

The moonlight was all she had to make Ellie's features. She could see the bags under her eyes, how tired she looked. Her hair half in that tiny ponytail, half down to her shoulders. She could feel the soft skin of her jaw, how warm she was. She held on.

"Hey, come on", her voice broke, and she looked in Ellie's green eyes, trying to make her see, make her understand she didn't need to go. "We've got a family. She doesn't get to be more important than that."

She was tired from trying. How many times had they had this conversation? How many times would Ellie leave? How many times would she have to repeat this day, this suffering? What did she need to do to move on?

Ellie looked at her, then lowered her eyes, her hand holding her wrist and pulling her in, closer until their foreheads were touching.

She could hear the wind blowing outside, the rustling of the leaves, and Dina closed her eyes, taking in Ellie's scent again. She smelled like the forest, fresh and earthy. She smelled like soap, like sweat. 

She smelled like home.

"She is not more important than family", Ellie whispered. 

Dina got away, just enough so she could see her face, surprise taking her. That never happened before. Ellie sounded certain of her words, like she was saying that to remind herself, but there was a frown on her head.

"What?"

"I don't know how I could have forgotten that", the frown on her forehead deepened. "I don't think that's what Joel would have wanted for me, either"

The length of her body was pressed to Ellie's, and Ellie kissed her palm.

"I found something to fight for", her voice was low, and she sounded calm, in a way Dina hasn't heard in a while, even though she seemed to be talking to herself.

Ellie's thumb caressed her wrist for another moment, and then she slid her hands to Dina's waist.

"I'm not going away", she said to her hair as she dipped her head low. Dina could feel Ellie's breath on her neck, steady.

She could feel her own heart, beating fast in her chest, the warmth of Ellie's body slowly warming her insides, lifting the dread that had settled in her stomach.

"Come back to bed. We'll talk about it in the morning, okay?", she tried, and Ellie just nodded.

She left her boots in the kitchen, her jacket on the chair and went up the stairs with Dina. Her eyes still had guilt and shame, though now they were brighter with peace and love.

When she woke up, the bed was empty.

Her heart immediately sank. She was gone. Or she would repeat the day. Again.

She stood to take J.J., but he wasn't on his crib.

Repeating the day, then.

Dina went down the stairs, unable to forget Ellie's face, the way her eyes shined the night before.

She was playing the guitar, her voice low as she sang to J.J. He sat on the ground, babbling and clapping excitedly, some toys around him. Ellie sat on the armrest of the couch, still on her pajamas.

"Ellie?"

The music stopped, and she looked up at her. Then at J.J., her cheeks turning pink as she picked him up.

"Hey... Sleep well?", she sounded shy, sheepish, and Dina frowned, confused. "I'm gonna make breakfast."

She passed the baby to Dina, quick to her feet, and Dina observed as she picked the map from the table and threw it in the bin.

The map?

"What are you doing?" How was the map there? Had Tommy already been there?

Ellie stopped, her clear green eyes on hers. Steady. Earnest.

"I'm not going anywhere, Dina. We don't need it"

She smiled at Ellie’s back. She didn’t know why the day had moved on, but she was glad Ellie was with her. She was glad she was staying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are two things I wish were different: Ellie's hair at The Farm and the fact she left for Abby.


	7. Epilogue

Ellie’s words rang in the air and Dina just held J.J. in her arms. _“We don’t need it. I’m not going anywhere.”_

Dina’s brown eyes were sad and tired yesterday, but still carried a glint of hope. Hope that she would stay.

And Ellie had had the fucking weirdest _déjà vu_ , feeling like they had been there before, but also that she had left, that she found Abby and that, at the end, it wasn’t worth leaving.

Joel would have wanted her to be happy.

He would have wanted her to be with Dina, to have a family.

“I struggled for a long time with survivin', and no matter what, you keep finding something to fight for." 

She remembered his words, and thought of how she struggled to live with herself, the guilt and shame eating her alive. But she had found something to fight for.

Ellie threw the map in the trash.

She felt ashamed for considering leaving, and she knew she would have to talk to Dina about it. She would have to make it up to her. She would have to do better. 

"Hey, you... you wanna hear a joke I heard the other day?" she called from the kitchen, cutting the bread to take it to the dining table.

She could hear the awkwardness in her voice, the way she hesitated to speak.

“Sure” Dina was trying too. 

Maybe they would be alright.

"What's the hardest part about eating clocks?" Dina shook her head and put her hands up, giving up. J.J. put his hands up in the air too. Ellie smirked then, even though there was a hint of sadness in her voice. "It's time consuming."

They shared a little laugh, J.J. gurgling happily in Dina’s lap. There was a gentle breeze flowing through the window, doing little to help against the heat.

"That is pretty bad" Dina said after a pause.

"Yeah, it's one of the worst I've heard", she agreed, going back to the bread.

They would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm just feeling too much after this game, and I just wished they'd had a happy ending. I think Ellie and Dina deserved better.

**Author's Note:**

> The first chapter is what we saw in the game, basically.  
> This was inspired by the song "11 minutes" by Halsey and Yungblud, title from "Love will find a way II"  
> English is not my first language.  
> Hope you like it :)


End file.
